Larry Bird: The Ugliest Man on the Planet?
It’s possible that Larry Bird could be the ugliest dude on the planet. It’s certainly arguable, let’s just run down a few of the obvious for starters. These would be things that if you can’t pick them out on your own, then you should send me your picture. Back to Bird. Beginning with the most blatantly obvious, the factor that puts him on the map when it comes to gettin ugly, is the blonde pube-stache. That thing is fuckin disgusting, and there has never been a time, place, generation or style where it has ever been anything but. Yeah, I’ve thought about it for a second, and it’s not enough to have a blonde mustache [see Hulk Hogan; blonde mustache, blonde skullet], it’s the pube-yellow hybrid that guarantees his nomination. Fuck, I know albinos who think that things nasty. I mean, I want to move on, but it’s hard to get past the muff-duster on this fella. Is there any chance that a crustacchio like that doesn’t come with its own comb? I wonder if he’s ever had to shave or trim it. It looks eerily similar to the pre-pubescent dungeons-and-dragons players that used to sit in the hallways before and after school. You know, the dudes who made pimps with a pinkie-nail look terrible. I can’t say for sure, actually, I’m pretty sure he didn’t, but wouldn’t that have just been all that more perfect if Larry fuckin Bird had a long-ass coke nail on the pinkie of his shooting hand? So pimp. And you know that dude was getting plenty of pimp-like action back in his day, which makes it all the more baffling. Homeboy was like the greatest white-basketball player of all time, who just so happens to be a contender for ugliest dude on the planet too. Weird. I’m gonna try to brush my way out of this pubic sea-o-yella, and move my way up to his lettuce. Did LB get himself a perm or what? That shit looks like super-thin cotton candy. There is no fucking way he should be wearing up off his scalp the way he did so the light can shine through it, leaving it totally transparent for all the ladies! Speaking of ladies, I know a few who must go to the same stylist. Their combined average age is 77. Only real difference is that the ladies sometimes wear it with a slight tint of blue, and they have false teeth. So, through association, it is safe to assume that L Bird might have also had fake china under that Larry Bird-like beak. Now I’m pretty damn certain that between having the worst stache in the history of mankind, pretending he had a long pinkie-nail on his shooting hand, allegedly having false teeth while running around in a green two-piece like my grandpa wore in gym class, that alone could place him as a contender. Oh what the hell, why not take it one step further and put him in some tiny shorts that will bring out the pastiness of his man-loins. Wow. I knew he was from Indiana, but I didn’t realize that the sun didn’t shine on that state. At all. This must have been the one guy who was ever jealous of the redheads. I don’t even know if you can pull that off today. I mean, just opening the blinds in most houses would bring more blood to the surface than this creep. With all due respect, as he was one of the game’s greatest, but he clearly didn’t spend one penny of his fortune of a mirror of any sort. I don’t think you can ever see your own reflection and think that that was a good look. I’m sure there are plenty of dudes in cubicles and trailer parks right now who could prove me wrong, but since you’re not good enough at anything to ever have your picture displayed anywhere other than your MySpace page, stand down. Can we flash a picture of LB’s mug real quick:
Tell me this isn’t the essence of beauty-horror? Tell me this might not be the ugliest man on the planet.
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