BISP's Blog
A Punch-You-In-The-Face style of quasi-fitness news from a real fitness professional. This blog has been called "very witty" and "informative" by some dude I've never heard of.

First, I want to give a shout out to the one faithful fucker who has logged on to this website nearly every day since last April; checking-in to see if the Boner had made his triumphant return, only to have his hopes and dreams smattered for the better part of the last six months.  Thanks dude, I’m not sure who you are, but it doesn’t matter; I think you’re bad ass.  The reason for this extended episode of erectile-dysfunction however, springs mostly from the recent topics that I’ve felt were important to cover, even if they didn’t have anything to do with dumbfuck asswipes who have famous mustaches.  See, truth is, there is some money to be made in this here “health and wellness” industry.  Shit, you’re fat aren’t you?  Statistacally speaking, two out of every three people have to answer that question with a definite yes.  And was it not you who came out of the closet after realizing that you were a repellent to the opposite sex, only to find later that neither sex wanted anything to do with you or that mustard stain on your shirt?  See, the polls are showing that there are a lot of you out there, and I’m simply trying to take advantage, and cash in on all of you sloppy bastards, word? 

To do this most effectively however, I thought it best to look back to the iconic figures of yesteryear; the ones who shaped, molded and paved the way for those of us who would follow in their footsteps.  I’ve heard it said that to be great, one must stand on the shoulders of a giant, and today, that giant is you Dick Simmons!    For all that you have done to help create what we ALL know WILL be the next trillion dollar industry, from your poofy little afro, to the soft and mushy man-loins that you allowed to spill out of those tiny little running shorts, you Mr. Simmons…Mr. Richard Simmons…were the fuckin’ MAN!

 A severely overweight child from New Orleans, Dick Simmons battled obesity for a number of years, becoming dependent on diet pills and adopting unhealthy weight loss programs.  He briefly lived in Italy, before relocating to Los Angeles in 1973, where he opened an innovative exercise studio that catered to the severely overweight, including himself, and he performed pussy antics and shenanigans that did nothing but get on people’s nerves, while making fat ladies feel as though they were victims.

In 1979, Simmons, based primarily on his hairdo, enjoyed a brief stint on the popular daytime soap opera General Hospital, but soon decided to concentrate solely on building a fitness empire, which made no sense whatsoever, yet somehow worked.  The following year, he launched an even more ridiculous idea in the form of his own talk show The Richard Simmons Show, which wasted four seasons worth of air-time.  He successfully marketed his image to the public, which says everything you need to know about the public.  While writing numerous self-help books, he created the “Deal-A-Meal” food maintenance program, which was clearly a miserable failure, and produced the Sweatin’ to the Oldies line of exercise videos that caused no oldies to sweat whatsoever.

Over the years, Simmons has become a staple on late night television, bringing his non-humorous humor and indefatigable energy to The Tonight Show and Late Night with David Letterman.  With a rigorous touring schedule that includes 250 personal appearances each year, he continues to promote physical well-being to millions of loyal followers in his usual ‘do as I say, not as I do’ style.

Stay tuned, as next week the Boner takes an in-depth look at another fitness superstar, The Wolf.