Liberace: Pimp, Legend, and One of the Weirdest Dudes I’ve Ever Seen.
I can’t say that I know a whole lot about this fellow, this legendary-pimp named Liberace, but I can certainly say that I’ve long been fascinated by his weird-ass. To be honest, I didn’t even know what kind of music he played, only that I hated it. His whole schtick always seemed a little bizarre to me, but when I decided to do a little digging into the closet of the man behind the man, behind the man, I was shocked at how much I may have underestimated the number of people that fuckin’ loved this pimp. Now I want some validation here from my gay friends. The ones who I know might be reading this, and whom I all love dearly, especially J-Earl the Cat with the Curl, aka Mr. Got Rocks– who we should all pay our respects too for being one of Kansas City’s most legendary pimps–He probably partied with Liberace himself, he is still kickin’ ass, and come this September will turn an astounding 70 years, which is fucking amazing. Anyway, you guys cannot tell me that there were a whole hell of a lot of straight guys that contributed to making this guy as big as he turned out to be. I mean, would Barry Manilow, Clay Aiken, Babs Streisand or Bette Midler made it without the support of mostly gay men. Shit, you guys made these people huge, and that’s great, but Liberace? He just seems a little odd, doesnt’ he?
Nevertheless, he is also fascinating as fuck. J-Earl, I know you could tell me some stories about this dude, and I remember the one you already have. I’m concealing your identity, so I hope you don’t mind if I share it with everyone else, but apparently Ol’ Libby had this strange fetish where he would like to get underneath a glass coffetable, and then have dudes sit chapless on top of the coffee that he was under, and proceed to take a shit. Guys, I’m not making that shit up just to try to be funny. I’m being totally serious, and I believe my source 100 percent. J-Earl, as I said, was a HUGE pimp all the way through the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, and just decided to retire from pimpin’ in the 90s. He definitely wouldn’t make this shit up about the Libster. Just look at that get up. Gay or straight, I can’t think of anybody who doesn’t think that get-up he’s got on is one of the most amazing things they’ve ever seen. And that pose he’s sportin’ in this picture. Does it get any better than that? Honestly: Perfect hair, sweet ruffled-shirt, but what takes the cake is what he’s doing with his hands. Is that a natural pose for dudes who sport that much bling? Again, I know J-Earl would know the answer to that. Sheeeeeeet, he doesn’t look too far off from Big Ern McCracken (but not the one most of you are probably thinking of).
Was this dude not thought of as being the slightest bit over the top? I just know that when I am getting ready to leave the house, and I need to be the slightest bit presentable. I might pop on something like what my man Libby is sportin’ over here, look in the mirror, and think “Perfect! Muthafuckas know who’s gonna be gettin some pussy tonight!” “Boy, I’m lookin’ gooooooooooooooood!” I would either think that, or I’d try to talk one of my friends into wearing it, in an attempt to make them think they look completely off the fucking chain! I think I could probably do it too. Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve always had a very dry and sarcastic sense of humor. I, of course, thought I was hilarious, but for the ones that didn’t really understand the concepts of irony or sarcasm, they just thought that I was a complete fucking asshole. Even today, I find myself saying something with a totally straight face, dead serious look in my eyes, and be 100 percent, completely fucking around. Then I’ll realize this person doesn’t know me well enough to know I’m joking, and well, whatever. My point is, well fuck my point. I guess I don’t really have one. So to wrap things up, and in honor of today’s featured pimp (in what will be a periodic, but ongoing series of Pimp Biographies), I will leave you with a little unknown information about just how big, exactly, Mr. Liberace actually was:
Liberace (born Wladziu Valentino Liberace) was the most flamboyant, popular easy listening pianist of the ’60s and ’70s by a wide margin. I guess this means that the 60s and 70s had a real thing for flamboyent, popular, easy-listening piano. Horrible. Anyway, his campy, theatrical appearance and performances often disguised his prodigious talent. Talent for things other than just the piano, but piano being the only one we’ll focus on. Instead of following the accepted path of classical recitals and university courses, Liberace chose to be a showman. At encores at his concerts, he began playing novelty songs like “Mairzy Doats,” which is a novelty song that I’m unfamiliar with, and hope to keep it that way. To ensure that he had widespread appeal as an entertainer, he took elocution lessons in order to mask his Polish accent. Call me crazy, but I’m sure doing away with the Polish accent was what really put him over the top, giving him “widespread” appeal. Right.
Liberace became a star in the ’50s, both through his records and assorted television and film appearances. His appearance and repertoire was becoming increasingly campy, as he dressed himself in rhinestone, gold lame, furs, and sequins while playing everything from Gershwin and show tunes to lounge jazz and light classical pieces, with a candelabra placed on his piano. Damn, show tunes, my favorite! Ok guys, now here is the best part: Though it was a heady time for the pianist, 1956 was also the year that his star began to dim somewhat. Cassandra, a columnist for the English tabloid The Daily Mirror, inferred that Liberace was homosexual. He sued the paper and won, yet he still made an effort to tone down his appearance. However, the public didn’t want a subdued Liberace and he reverted to his kitschy showmanship in the early ’60s. Now am I missing something here. Reporter infers that he’s homosexual, and he sues? For what? Was this guy actually claiming to be straight? That’s what it sounds like to me, and if he says so, then how in God’s name could anybody have actually accussed him of that. That is an OUTRAGE!
Liberace didn’t have any more pop hits in the ’60s,’70s, and ’80s, yet he continued to sell out concerts around the world and sell a number of records, even though he never earned the favor of the critics. In 1982, a former chauffeur and bodyguard sued the pianist for palimony; the case was settled out of court. Liberace remained a celebrity and a popular performer until his death in 1987. So there you have it folks. A little history lesson on one of the most famous, weirdest dudes on planet earth. Stay tuned for the next installment of the Boner Biography Series: All the important shit they never taught you in school. Next up, I’m deciding between Richard Simmons and Michael “Jacko” Jackson. Y’all stay hard now ya hear!
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